Just a blog to vent some of my frustrations.

 

I feel like I'm stuck in a box at the moment. About four months ago, I joined a local acting troupe, SHEE, ( Some of you from St. Pete/ Tampa/ Bradenton may have heard of us). Soon after, I started a new job, working security for a new Tampa company. 

I love the job, it plays right into some of my talents, and I enjoy every minute of it. But because it is a rather new, and small, company, there are very few security officers with whom to share the workload. Only four as a matter of fact. And because of that, there isn't much wiggling room when it comes to the hours and shifts we receive. You get what you get and you don't bitch. 

 Problem is, I am now working three to five night a week, overnight, (which I don't mind as I'm a night owl anyways). But most of the shifts are during the weekend. And weekends is when I have other things in my schedule, like the gigs that my acting troupe have been hired for, or the rehearsals if there is no gig. I also do live action role playing, and those of you that do so know that most of them are on the weekends. I have two games that I have not been able to attend since I began this job. They are very important to me, I love acting, and the L.A.R.P.'s are yet something else, on top of the ren fairs that I'm in, that let me express myself in such a way. I love acting as much as I love being a security officer. 

And now, due to the way things are scheduled, I have time to work, but no time to play. Yes, I get to hang out with my friends, and I have a lot of fun and great times with them, but it is not the same. I don't get to pull that mask over my eyes and play another fictional soul that I and I alone have control over. It is what I love about acting, and LARPing. And I have not done so. I have tried using other means, but World of Warcraft and Elder Scrolls can only fill so much. They do not give me the same fulfillment as face to face, person to person contact, and the looks on the patrons faces when they believe the facade I am playing to the point of laughter, or weeping, or the grim look of agreement when they believe in the revenge that I am portraying.

 All I can say is, I miss it. I want it back. I want to pull the feeling of approval and wonderment from those that come to watch me closer, and wrap it around me like a blanket. Breath in the smell of it, warm myself with it until I feel alright again. 

 And I can't do it.

 I also have a great feeling of regret and betrayal, as I made a promise to she who runs my troupe, to be there, to add another character and element to the display, and I cannot do it. I feel almost as if I went back on my promise, as if I am an Oathbreaker, and the feeling remains even though she has told me many a time that it is alright, real life comes before the fictional ones, and yet I cannot help the feelings that come over me when I think about how I can't be there. Both to do what I love, and to add support to those whom I love dearly.

 I am also trying to pay back a debt, honestly owed. I have worked and I have tried, but it is very slow going. I regret it. I do not like owing anyone anything, whether it is in the form of currency or kindness. And I know that those I owe may be suffering because of my seeming lack of ability to repay that debt in greater amounts than I have been. I am grateful to them, for the debt I owe has kept a roof over my head, but I do not like it all the same.

 To all of you to whom I have made a promise, or given my word, I am sorry.